


Psychological Autopsy

by Mirette



Category: NCIS
Genre: Episode Related, Friendship, Gen, Not Episode Related, Not a Crossover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-11-23
Updated: 2008-11-23
Packaged: 2019-03-02 05:48:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13311801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mirette/pseuds/Mirette
Summary: What if Tony has overheard what Gibbs and Ducky said about him in "murder 2.0."? Spoilers for murder 2.0.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Jessi, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [ MTAC](https://fanlore.org/wiki/MTAC), an archive of NCIS fanfiction which closed in 2017. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after August 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator (and this work is still attached to the archivist account), please contact me using the e-mail address on [ the MTAC collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/mtac/profile)

  
Author's notes: Character thoughts and direct quotes from episodes are in Italics.

 

 

Your feedback or comments are appreciated.  


* * *

McGee has just told him about the phone call Gibbs has received from the killer-the creepy, taunting and untraceable call. Instead of waiting for Gibbs to come back, Tony decided to track him in autopsy. He admitted to himself that he was getting a bit more worried with each development, and for pretty good reasons too, if there is something worse then a killer, then it is a killer obsessed with Gibbs.

Still immersed in those slightly depressing thoughts, Tony quietly walked to autopsy, and stumbled on this less than stellar evaluation of his character:

_"Well, the precise term is Narcissistic Personality Disorder.."_

_"Oh Yeah well, I'm familiar with that too.."_

_"Yes, but while Agent DiNozzo has an excessive need for admiration, he has empathy as well, something that our killer lacks.."_

His eyes widening in dismay, he blurted the first thing that came to his mind, "you're actually comparing me to a serial killer?!" Gibbs turned around sharply when he heard Tony's exclamation, focused as he was on trying to make some sense of what little they knew, he has failed to notice DiNozzo coming into the room. Ducky was equally caught off guard, and before any of them could answer, a visibly affronted DiNozzo went on, "and you think I'm the poster boy for Narcissism, boss!"

Gibbs saw DiNozzo drawing a breath to continue, so he interrupted quickly "Was there something urgent about the case, DiNozzo?"

Tony closed his month, and stared at him silently. Did he really expect Gibbs to acknowledge what he said? _What options are there for someone who is well used to stepping on toes, who abhors talking, and believes apologies are a sign of weakness? Not many options there.._

"DiNozzo!!...

_except for barking_ , he thought ironically.

He looked at his boss expecting and finding the glare that can still stop him in his tracks. He sighed, and answered curtly, "Nothing urgent, and it wasn't just about the case." He turned to go without waiting for Gibbs' answer, but noticing that Ducky, who has stayed unusually silent during that brief exchange, was about to say something, he threw over his shoulder,

"I thought you were supposed to wait till I'm actually dead before you can start on that psychological autopsy thing, Ducky!"

Ducky winced visibly, but Tony was already gone before he had the chance to respond, turning to look at Gibbs, he wasn't surprised to find him still somehow glaring at Tony's back.

"Jethro.."

But then Gibbs was already moving back to the photos on the wall, wearing an intent look on his face, one that Ducky was very familiar with. He knew only too well how his friend usually acts when he is being accused of failing or hurting someone he cares for.. Unfortunately, in many cases, he ended up failing them, and himself, even more..

"Ducky!!"

Gibbs' impatient tone interrupted his musings, and he decided to let the matter rest for the time being.

"Yes, Jethro, as I was saying.."

Tony was still replaying the words he overheard in his mind as he walked back to the bullpen. He hadn't failed to notice that Both Gibbs and Ducky were smiling when they were talking about him, and he knew, without a doubt, that there was no malice behind the words.. Nonetheless, they still stung badly.. _Before you get all affronted, may be you should look for the definition of narcissism, but then, may be not, perhaps it will be much worse then you suspect, whoever said that ignorance is bliss could well have a point!_

He was so lost in thought that it took him a while to realize that Ziva has been calling him, and an irritated "DiNozzo" finally got his attention. He plastered a smile on his face, and resolutely brought his thoughts back to the present, and to the case.

He has learned form painful experience that it is best not to linger on thoughts of hurt and disappointment. Over-thinking, over-analyzing and generally dwelling on unpleasant things is liable to bring one a headache, on top of the heartache, not to mention fiery glares from annoyed co-workers, like the one he was just getting from Ziva, and potentially, head slaps from an irate boss who seems to be able to read his mind, or so he thought.


	2. Chapter Two

On his way back to the bullpen, carrying Gibbs’ award, Tony couldn’t help but chuckle as he recalled the vexed look on Director Vance face as Gibbs failed to materialize to receive his award. For a man who obviously liked to maintain good control over his "subjects", it must be excruciating sometimes to deal with Gibbs. Tony could actually sympathize a bit; while it is true that he worshipped the man – Gibbs not Vance – he still had first hand experience of how difficult it is sometimes to cope with him.

Ducky and Ziva were trailing a bit behind, talking animatedly?that is Ducky talking animatedly and Ziva listening with a smile. Tony had caught sight of McGee, earlier, as his Geek squad surrounded him, and heard a few "good to see you, boss!" floating around. He might tease the probie mercilessly, but he recognized the fact that McGee would make a very good boss.

Heading to his desk to deposit the award in its customary place, his mind went back to his own boss. Gibbs did not care much for public ceremonies and formal affairs, Tony could understand that, but would it really kill the man to show up there, even if just once, and acknowledge the appreciation shown by his superiors and colleagues? Tony shook his head, still smiling, Gibbs was being just.. you know.. Gibbs!

Ziva and Ducky joined him just as he was about to put the award in that special box in his drawer. Tony recognized the look in her eyes, one that was usually a precursor to a teasing comment or a barbed one, depending on her mood.

"Don’t you think that this," Ziva asked as she pointed at the award, "should go in there" and turned to point at Gibbs’ desk.

"Believe me, Ziva, if this goes in there, it may very well end up .. right over there!" Ducky and Ziva followed Tony’s hand which pointed right at the elegant recycle/garbage bin beside Gibbs’ desk.

McGee caught that last exchange, and Tony could see that he had a look identical to the one Ziva was still wearing, the look that could roughly translate into "payback time, DiNozzo!" Probie has gotten so much better at teasing Tony back, and it was only fair, after all Tony has been giving him a hard time for years now. Nevertheless, McGee still wore his heart on his sleeve, so it will take him some practice before he will be able to catch Tony by surprise.

"So, DiNozzo, you really have no ulterior motives in keeping these awards in your desk?" McGee asked sweetly.

"What other motives could there be, probie?"

Before McGee had a chance to deliver his well-thought answer, Ziva interrupted, "Something about spotlights, may be," turning to Ducky, she added, "what you were telling me during the ceremony.."

McGee frowned a bit and turned to Ducky who was, for some reason, starting to look uncomfortable with the conversation, "What spotlight, Ducky?"

"I was talking about the limelight, which is close enough to the spotlight, but .." Ziva interrupted again, and her smile grew as she shifted to face Tony, "Yes, something about the men who will go to such length to thrust themselves in the limelight, sounds familiar, DiNozzo?"

McGee looked at him expectantly, waiting for a typical scathing retort that didn’t come, and the look on Tony’s face was not one he expected, either. He wasn’t all that good at reading Tony, but he could tell for sure that this look was neither amused, nor challenging. He turned to Ziva, who was frowning a bit and seemed to be catching on that fact as well. Ducky, on the other hand, looked even more uncomfortable than before.

The silence stretched only for seconds, and then Tony stood up, sill wearing that odd look, and instead of answering Ziva, he turned to Ducky, "you were not talking about me again, Ducky, were you? Thought I told you to wait on that autopsy…"

"No, no… I was in fact talking about our serial killer."

"Isn’t that what you were doing the last time too, talking about the serial killer, and pointing to something we had in common?"

"I meant to talk to you about that Tony, I know it must have upset you, and I regret it, but, it was just a brief moment of levity.. a spur of the moment observation.."

Tony interrupted him a bit loudly, "That’s just it, Ducky, it wasn’t a spur of the moment thing!" McGee and Ziva watched warily as a clearly agitated Tony started to pace around, as if finding difficulty to put his thoughts in words.

He recovered rather quickly, and turned to face them, looking at Ducky intently, "What bothers me even more than the comment itself, is the fact that you and Gibbs seem to have had this conversation before, you immediately knew that Gibbs was referring to me when he talked about being familiar with narcissists, he never mentioned my name.. so is that like a common joke, a running gag or something?"

Ducky opened his mouth to answer, but he was once more denied the chance, as Tony stopped him with a gesture.

Tony took a deep breath to calm himself; he could see that Ducky was looking concerned and a bit guilty, and the man was one of the most decent persons he has ever met, no question about that. He also had to be honest with himself, the hurt and anger he felt was mostly at Gibbs, it was just a lot easier to confront Ducky.

Since yesterday He has stuck firm to his resolution to avoid thinking about this whole episode. There was no place for any feelings other than concern for Gibbs’ safety, and sheer relief when the killer was caught and Gibbs remained safe. But, now, he just could not stop the thoughts, emotions and memories that were racing in his mind, and what he really needed was some space to sort it all out. Besides, his teammates are not exactly used to dealing with him in that mood. Ziva might push, which doesn’t always work, and McGee would look at him suspiciously trying to determine if Tony was really upset or was just playing one of his tricks. Abby would understand, he knew that, but he wasn’t the only one guilty of worshipping Gibbs or trying to justify his actions, so may be he should spare her that.

Thankfully, his teammates, and even Ducky, have remained silent, though they were obviously bursting with questions.

"Ducky, it’s ok. We can talk about it later." Ducky looked at him, clearly wanting to explain himself a bit more, but somehow he refrained from talking and just nodded. Tony turned to get his carry-on and leave, only to realize that he was still holding Gibbs’ award, he hesitated for a few seconds, then quickly got out the box containing the other awards and deposited the whole thing on Gibbs’ desk.

Ziva’ eyes followed Tony as he placed the awards on Gibbs’ desk, and quickly left with a rushed "see you tomorrow." McGee kept looking at Ducky, more than a bit perplexed, and he barely caught his whispered, "Oh dear…," as Tony left.

"Uh.. what just happened, Ducky?" McGee beat Ziva to the question, and they both looked expectantly at Ducky.

Meanwhile, in the elevator, a particular memory replayed itself in Tony’s mind, something that he has told Gibbs a few years ago, after an incident that involved a big bomb, a North Korean ex-spy, Ziva, Gibbs and himself, he had interrupted what he thought would be some form of heartfelt thanks from Gibbs with a confident: " _You don’t have to say it, Boss. We know how you feel about us,"_ to which Gibbs has happily replied that he would kill them himself if they ever disobeyed a direct order again.

The memory was bittersweet, and so much has happened between then and now, the one thing that Tony knew for sure was that he couldn’t have said that today, and may be he shouldn’t have said it back then.

Gibbs P.O.V. next chapter


	3. Chapter Three

_Tony: "Ooh. I don’t want you to get pissed..."_

_Gibbs: "I thought you wanted me pissed."_

_Dinozzo: "I did. It was kinda weird when you were being nice. Not that you’re not nice, I mean, uh..."_

(Kill Ari 1, season 3)

\--------------------------------

Gibbs solved cases for a living. He was also handy to have around if you have a leaking bathroom pipe, a roof about to fall on your head, or an urgent desire to go sailing. He was good at fixing things, but no one who knew him well expected him to attempt to fix electronic modern devices, computers, or hurt feelings .. well, particularly not hurt feelings, since the first two could be replaced. Hurt feelings were the reason he was sitting at his desk, on this fine morning, glaring at an innocent pack of civil service meritorious awards as if they could give him some tip on how to fix this situation.

The problem with hurt feelings, he mused, is that there isn’t usually a brief, quick and fool-proof fix, that’s why he opts to spend more time with his boat than with people! He sighed, finished his first cup of coffee for the morning, and looked at the time. He has been restless this morning and came in earlier even than usual. Ducky’s call last night only confirmed what he already knew, DiNozzo has taken their words to heart. He had just hoped that DiNozzo will deal with it like he usually did, either by simply letting the comment slide off him, and Gibbs really preferred that option, or by turning it into a mostly McGee joke, or even taking it on someone else

He had come to rely on Tony’s ability to cope without much problem with his demands and harsh comments, deserved or not. Tony usually knew how to deal with him when he was particularly frustrated with something that he couldn’t “fix" whether it was case related or not. He mostly knew when to back off, and was brave, or fool enough, to try to diffuse tense situations. DiNozzo had his faults, which were unfortunately very easy to spot, and which got him all sorts of comments and teasing from his co-workers, friends, and boss, and that’s exactly how Gibbs came to be sitting here this morning, debating with himself, while still glaring at the awards sitting on his desk.

He was still half hoping that Tony would shake off this latest incident, and let his cheerful and easy going nature take over. Gibbs sighed loudly, he hated how he felt when confronted with things he couldn’t easily fix, he hated to feel unsure of himself and inadequate, and he hated going around in circles, carrying whole conversations in his head, this usually never ends well for him.

He stood up resolutely, and did what he always did when he wasn’t sure what to do: he went for coffee!

\-----------------

Less musings and much more conversations in the next chapter.


	4. Chapter Four

"Spring cleaning, DiNozzo?"

Tony has been rummaging for something in the bottom drawer of his desk, when Gibbs sneaked up on him, in that typical "creepy" way that Tony has been trying to perfect for years now. He lifted his head quickly, barely avoiding hitting the edge of his desk, and as Gibbs appeared to be waiting for an answer to his bizarre question, he shook his head "No," with a look that clearly told Gibbs what he thought of the question. Unfazed, Gibbs went on, "Ok., do you need me to requisition a bigger desk for you, then?" Tony started to see where Gibbs was going with the seemingly irrelevant questions, so he merely said, "No. the desk is fine."

"Good!" Gibbs simply said, looking pleased with himself for a reason that Tony couldn’t fathom, then he turned around with decisiveness, grabbed the pack of awards from his desk and put them back on Tony’s desk.

He said nothing more, but his face loudly projected a satisfied: "Here you go, Problem solved!" Tony looked incredulously at him, or to be more precise, he found himself looking incredulously at his back as Gibbs promptly left the bullpen.

Both McGee and Ziva have been watching intently, but they wisely refrained from commenting. The unpleasant scene of the previous night was still fresh in their minds, and though they have failed to get the details out of Ducky, they managed to put the pieces together more or less. They decided, then, to wait and see what kind of mood DiNozzo will be in the next day. He came in a while ago, exchanged a brief and cheerless good morning with them, and settled quietly at his desk.

It is really strange, McGee reflected, that while they all tried, each in his own way, to get DiNozzo to shut up and grow up, whenever the man actually obliged, and acted like a normal grown up, his uncharacteristic silence left them feeling uneasy and a bit unsettled. He thought of the first few days after Vance has reassembled the team, minus Tony who was still on the carrier, and the obvious feeling of imbalance that each one of them has experienced, even Gibbs who had the most experience in dealing with change, and how that feeling had vanished once Tony has been reinstated. He looked at him, and saw the emotions playing clearly on his face, from incredulity to anger, then to nothing as his face shuttered and he turned back to whatever he was doing before Gibbs interrupted him. _This is not good_ , McGee thought.

After a few moments, Gibbs returned and they all settled into a quiet and rather boring day, doing the required paperwork. The day actually was a bit more boring than usual, Given that DiNozzo hasn’t uttered a single word for hours now. Gibbs sighed inwardly, it was a good thing that they were not in the middle of a case, it was neither acceptable nor safe for either of them to be that distracted in their line of work. He had tried to use the awards’ issue to send some kind of positive message to DiNozzo, admittedly a cryptic message, but his senior field agent was usually very good at reading him. Judging by the way DiNozzo looked now, it didn’t work. They would have to get this out in the open and address it, no matter how much he personally hated that option.

As the day finally came to an end, Tony gathered his stuff and started to head towards the elevator, Ziva and McGee had left minutes ago, while Gibbs was still at his desk.

Gibbs’ quiet words stopped him before he went far, "Do you want to tell me why you don’t want to keep those awards for me anymore, DiNozzo?"

He turned around facing Gibbs, and silently looked at him. He was actually tempted this morning to simply pick up the awards and dump them once more on Gibbs’ desk, but he felt this would be just be too.. juvenile. People generally expect him to be juvenile, and he had to be honest with himself, he was juvenile; he also tended to brag, show off, sometimes go overboard with inappropriate comments, obsess over his looks, and his car, he could be oblivious and thoughtless at times .. his list of faults was rather long, but as far as he could tell, narcissism was not one of them.

He has been staring silently at Gibbs for a bit too long judging by the impatient look on his face, so he countered with a question of his own, "why did you think I kept them in the first place?"

Gibbs didn’t expect this question, and he really didn’t have an answer, "I’m not sure, DiNozzo." Gibbs sounded and looked uncomfortable, so Tony relented a bit, "Do you think that by having them in my desk I gained some sort of personal satisfaction, as if I shared in your accomplishments?"

Tony wasn’t used to seeing that particular look on Gibbs’ face, he looked baffled, as if trying to guess the right answer for a question that would make him either pass or fail a test.

"I will make it even easier," Tony said a bit impatiently, "do you think I did this for you or for me?"

Gibbs wasn’t the only one uncomfortable with this kind of talk, Tony didn’t handle emotional confrontations well, but he has had a bit more practice in recent times.

Gibbs finally answered, with some hesitation, "For me, DiNozzo .. you were happy for me, proud.." he trailed off, the words didn’t come easy to him, but it needed to be said, so he forced himself to continue, "have that changed, now?"

"No," Tony answered quietly. "I am just not sure how you interpret my actions .. not on a professional level, I know you mostly think I’m a good agent .. but on a personal level, I just don’t know .." Tony fell silent. He also didn’t know where they were going with this conversation, and whether it would make things better or worse.

Gibbs looked pensive for a moment, and then said, "let me ask you something, and answer me honestly, what do you think of McGee?" The question was totally unexpected, and totally unrelated to what they were saying, Gibbs already knew that, so he stopped Tony’s objections with a gesture and added, "just bear with me, DiNozzo, what do you think of Tim, not as an agent, but as a person?"

It was Tony’s turn to feel like he was facing a trick question. He thought a bit and answered, "He is loyal, and as much as I hate to admit it, really smart- he has a good heart," Gibbs interrupted him, "from what you’re saying it is obvious you both like and respect him, right?" When Tony nodded, Gibbs looked at him pointedly, "do you think McGee knows this for sure?" Before Tony could take a breath to reply, he went on "If you do, then you better think again, I know the teasing and banter is mostly harmless, but there were some comments and jabs that could convey disrespect whether intentionally or not."

Tony was giving this some thought, but he was already feeling rather miserable and he didn’t exactly want to feel guilty on top of that. Gibbs was obviously following his line of thought, as he said rather gently, "I’m not trying to make you feel bad, that’s not what I am trying to accomplish here DiNozzo, I’m just showing you that it is possible to respect, like, and care for someone, and still say or do things that convey the opposite."

"I get what you're saying..." Tony grimaced, and muttered to himself, "and it seems I will have to talk to probie at some point.."

"and Palmer too,"

"Come on Gibbs, I barely talk to the guy.." Gibbs just stared at him, and Tony sighed, "I will think about it, besides, you hardly treat him any better.."

"That’s right, but you’re not me, DiNozzo .. for one thing, you’re a lot nicer."

Tony was a bit angry, a bit hurt, and now also a bit guilty, but he just couldn’t resist smirking and adding, "not to mention a lot more popular, more good looking …"

"All right DiNozzo, don’t push it.."

Gibbs wore that half smile that was often seen whenever he verbally sparred with his irrepressible senior agent. He was secretly relieved that Tony has relaxed enough to find some humour in the situation. But he knew they were not done here, not by a long shot. His gut was telling him that the thoughtless comment he has made a couple of days ago has triggered something like a little avalanche in Tony’s mind, and that they have only touched the tip of the iceberg.

**Tbc.**


	5. Chapter Five

Gibbs had a look on his face that he usually got when they were close to solving a case, only to discover that they were missing some vital facts. It was a familiar look of frustration, Tony thought, but the anger that usually lurked in those blue eyes was surprisingly missing. He actually looked more like Tony himself did when he has just found out that they will have to pull an all-nighter to look for the elusive facts of a stubborn case. Those blue eyes were looking at him now, intently, as Gibbs said, "this is not about the awards, and not only about something I said no matter how nasty or unwarranted ..." Tony couldn’t decide if this was a statement or a question, so he remained silent.

"Help me out there, DiNozzo, what is this exactly about?"

"Do you really want to know?"

Tony had a serious and intense look on his face, one that he didn’t wear often unless they were right in the middle of a case, compelling Gibbs to ask himself that question, did he really want to know? The answer was simple: No, he didn’t, but he needed to.

Gibbs was well aware of his tendency to either walk away, or to act aloof, and even more rigid than usual. He hasn’t always been like that; he remembered instances when he had tried, almost desperately, to patch things up in a crumbling relationship. He had failed. Cutting the process short seemed like a less painful option. A perceived betrayal or rejection could make him walk away, and stay away for a long time. Just ask his father, or Ducky. However, as much as he was set in his ways, he was still capable of learning from past mistakes, or at least capable of trying.

"Go ahead, DiNozzo, shoot!" He finally answered.

Tony resisted an irreverent and ill-timed urge to laugh as Gibbs visibly stood ramrod straight, even more so than usual, as if bracing himself for an actual shooting. He usually got those urges in particularly tense situations, but he didn’t have a death wish, so he schooled his features, nodded and started to explain.

"That day, in autopsy, it felt like being the butt of a joke, and I suspect that if Ziva and McGee were there they would have probably enjoyed it.. it is not a nice feeling, and it is not the first time either .. I’m used to your digs, and I deserve a lot of them; you like to yank my chain sometimes, and most of the time I don’t mind. But this ... this felt a bit like being dissected by a pair of strangers ...However, you’re right, this is not just about a single comment no matter how cutting it was."

"If you want a brief statement," Tony went on, "and I know how you like brevity, so at the risk of sounding like an outraged ex, I would say that this is a bit like the straw that broke the camel’s back."

Gibbs raised his eyebrows, "this sounds a bit ominous .. and an outraged ex, DiNozzo?"

"Not the best analogy, I know.. the point is I don’t want to sound overly negative or dramatic, so I decided last night to approach this from an investigator’s point of view."

Gibbs was looking at him suspiciously now, so he hastened to explain, "separating fact from fiction, making lists, that kind of thing.."

Gibbs didn’t look too happy with that either, he might have needed to know, but he didn’t relish the idea of being the subject of a list.

"You’re not too happy with that, are you?" Tony asked sweetly, then continued seriously, "look, Gibbs, we can just stop this right here, sort of shake hands, let it go, and carry on as usual."

"We can?" Gibbs asked doubtfully, "and what about the camel’s back?"

Tony just shrugged, "this particular camel has been known to bounce back, in more ways than one."

"Even those who bounce back easily can reach a breaking point, DiNozzo."

It seemed to Gibbs that Tony was either trying to push him to let this go, or that he was testing him in some way.

"Okay, show me your list, DiNozzo"

Tony snorted a bit, "It’s a metaphorical list, Gibbs, I didn’t actually write one, I leave that to McGee. No, I just have a couple of things to tell you, and some evidence to back me up."

Gibbs was starting to look a bit defensive, so Tony gave him a few moments to settle.

"Go ahead, DiNozzo, I’m listening."

"Okay," Tony crossed his arms, looked at Gibbs directly, and simply said, "dangling carrots and backhanded compliments."

\-------------------------

**Tbc.**


	6. Chapter Six

  
Author's notes: The quotes inside the chapter are from the episode \"red cell\" in season 2  


* * *

_Ziva (about Gibbs): It takes a while for him to warm up to people, doesn’t it?_

_Tony: Want to know the secret about getting on his good side?_

_Ziva: Of course._

_Tony: Me, too._

**(Switch, season 3)**

"Okay," Tony crossed his arms, looked at Gibbs directly, and simply said, "dangling carrots and backhanded compliments."

Gibbs just stared at him, crossed his arms as well and waited for an explanation. Tony thought Gibbs was about to tell him "put it on the plasma, DiNozzo" as if that would somehow make it clearer, which wouldn’t be such a bad idea.

"Since we both hate drawn-out explanations" Tony continued, "I will just tell you one example, but keep in mind that there are others that go along the same line, all right?"

Gibbs simply nodded. He was doing a conscious effort to rein in his infamous short temper. He hasn’t barked, snapped or glared at DiNozzo for the last 30 minutes or so, which was an accomplishment, really.

"I wish I had this on a DVD or something," Tony said smiling a bit, "to show you rather than tell you…"

"Just Say it, DiNozzo!"

Gibbs was starting to sound his usual impatient self, so Tony gathered his thoughts and started to explain, "Remember a case, years ago, when we still had Kate .." Tony stopped for a heartbeat, and went on "it involved a dead marine on a college campus, a hacker, and a really vicious gunny who did a number on you.."

"The way I remember it, DiNozzo, is that I did a number on him." Gibbs interrupted with a false glare. DiNozzo was one of a handful of people who liked to tease him, and mostly got away with it. He added, looking a bit amused "I remember the case, it is rather hard to forget the party we crashed by mistake, and all those screaming girls …"

"Yeah, well, right after this lovely incident, we were together in Autopsy with Ducky and Palmer, where you demonstrated, so efficiently, how one can break a person’s neck with his bare hands…"

They both smiled as they recalled the way Gibbs has thrown Tony to the floor, and then proceeded to demonstrate the technique enthusiastically.

"We were kind of desperate to find the hacker," Tony went on recounting the exchange they had that day:

_Gibbs: You find my hacker yet?_

_Tony: McGee’s upstairs working on it._

_Gibbs: **I didn’t ask McGee. I asked my Senior Field Agent. I want that damn hacker!**_

_Tony: Did you hear that, Palmer?_

_Palmer: He sounded pretty upset._

_Tony: Yeah. **He called me his Senior Field Agent. Finally!**_

"I don’t see .." Gibbs frowned a bit and looked at Tony with a question in his eyes, "DiNozzo, you usually like a challenge."

"I do."

"and, if I remember right, you did find something that got us the hacker."

"I did."

"Then, what’s the problem?" Gibbs asked in a frustrated tone.

"It is not a problem, it is more like a pattern .. the "Senior Field Agent" was like dangling a carrot .." Gibbs interrupted, "to keep you moving.."

"Then let me tell you what usually happens after you keep me moving. That day, after you left, I went back to Abby’ lab, where McGee was having a small fit of despair over the hacker’s matter, and came up with a suggestion to find him, and that’s when you interrupted this little scene:

_Kate: I hate to say it but that was actually smart, Tony._

_Gibbs: What was, Kate?_

_Kate: Tony might have figured out how to find the hacker._

_Gibbs: **It’s his job. You think I keep him around for his personality?**_

Tony has been pacing around as he recounted that exchange, he now turned to face Gibbs who still looked perplexed, and asked with an agitated tone, "Now, let me ask you, is that a compliment or a put-down? Does it mean that you don’t think it was particularly smart, that it is nothing worth talking about, or did you mean that I did good, and that’s what I am capable of, on a regular basis. Why the mixed signals? Why the dig about my personality, was it to say that even if I do good on the job, I still fall short as a person?"

Tony tried to calm himself, but the pent-up anger and pain still crept to his voice "You don’t like double talk; you give it to me straight when I mess up, and I don’t complain about that. So, why can’t you bring yourself to say it as clearly when I do good? You don’t seem to have that problem with McGee or Abee .. worst of all, is the fact that you know how much that means to me .. you know it, and you use it!"

"To get the job done, DiNozzo.."

The words were out of his mouth before he considered them carefully, and Gibbs could have smacked himself over the head. DiNozzo had a hard look on his face that didn’t bode well at all.

"I am not lazy, and I don’t do sloppy work, Gibbs."

"I know that."

"I like to have fun, have a good laugh and enjoy myself, but I take my job seriously .."

Gibbs interrupted him, "I know that too, DiNozzo."

"Then "getting the job done" is not the reason you act that way, don’t you think?"

Gibbs had to agree to that. He just hoped DiNozzo wouldn’t expect him to explain his reasons or intentions clearly, because he really needed to explain them to himself first.

Tony was silent for a moment, debating with himself how much to reveal, and resisting a really strong urge to just wrap it all up and go home. Gibbs was not an expressive man at the best of times, unless you’re a child or a victim, and Tony was none of those. But he was tired of leaving things unresolved, and of settling for less than he should.

"Do you also know, Gibbs, that for some mysterious reason, I still have this complete trust in you, even after you took off without a warning, and came back also without a warning, even when you keep me chasing after that elusive carrot for years, and even when you forgo thanks and apologies that really needed to be said?"

Gibbs was momentarily speechless. DiNozzo’s loyalty was not a secret, neither to him, nor to the others; deep in his heart, he recognized the place he held in Tony’s life, but it was easier to evade something that has always been left unsaid.

"However," Tony continued in a sharper tone, "as you have said yourself, even those who bounce back, forgive easily and stay loyal, can reach a breaking point. There were times when it seemed like you’re pushing to see how much it will take before I reach that point, well… I am almost there, Gibbs."

Gibbs sat on his desk, listening silently, while thoughts raced in his mind, his inner voice summed it up perfectly : _Leroy Jethro Gibbs, you are really your own worst enemy!_

**Tbc.**


	7. Final Chapter

The inner world of one Leroy Jethro Gibbs is, to put it mildly, a bit of a mess. The Job Compartment might be neat and fits his exact marine standards, but the People Compartment is another story ...However, today, he needed to reveal some of that jumble of motives and emotions to DiNozzo. He could hear his inner voice, which was as blunt as his real one, mocking him, _you really don’t want him to take you off that pedestal, don’t you?_

He has never been good at explaining his actions, or volunteering information about himself. He protected his privacy and vulnerability zealously, which has almost cost him one dear friend 2 years ago, and now it seems that his reticence and pride may cost him another. He has lost a few of his loved ones to death, lost others to betrayal, but he had no one to blame but himself for other losses.

He raised his head, forced himself to meet the accusatory look in DiNozzo’s eyes. He wasn’t used to see that look directed at him. He was used to see affection, admiration, eagerness, concern, and, sometimes bemusement or nervousness. He was used to being called "Boss", and to hear those same emotions in the simple 4-letters word. DiNozzo hasn’t called him "boss" once today. He has noticed. He didn’t like it.

"Tony," he started slowly, "it wouldn’t help much if I try to explain my actions .. some things make sense in your head, but once you carry them out, they take you somewhere you didn’t intend to go."

Gibbs sounded uncertain and somehow resigned, so Tony relaxed his posture and waited patiently.

"I know I am a good investigator, I have good initiative, and I know how to make the team work together efficiently, but I can’t claim that I am a good leader, Tony."

Tony found himself itching to defend his boss, an instinct that he had to fight. _Anthony,_ he chided himself, _you believe in that man like you used to believe in Santa Claus!_

"I am a marine," Gibbs went on, "I was taught to use the means I have, to forgo niceties, and focus on the target. I know I watch your back, save your butt, and stand in your defence. I don’t fail any of you in that respect. But I am not that good at the other stuff. I don’t always know when to stop pushing for more, and when to back off. I keep silent when I should talk, and I say things I shouldn’t say. I goad you instead of nudging you, and you’re right, I know how each one of you responds, and how to get the best out of you.. I have had many probies working with me, Tony, and I did my best to teach them right. Things work out well for a while. But, eventually, it becomes too much for them, too stressful, too exhausting .. and they move on .. Stan did ... Langer did ..."

Gibbs stopped for a moment, looking a bit pained, "I don’t always know when I cross that line. Most of the time, I don’t get it right, Tony. You should either stop me, or ignore me. But you don’t do either one."

"Gibbs, you are literally unstoppable!" Tony almost shouted.

"If you were a criminal, a suspect, an idiot in a position of authority, then Yes, you’re right. But not with people I care about and respect."

"Respect is not something you often show me, Gibbs."

The words hit Gibbs powerfully though there was no heat behind them, more like a statement of fact than anything else. For a reason he couldn’t explain, the emotionless statement provoked his anger, his voice took that hard edge that made his agents cringe, "you mean to tell me that you have been working with me that long, and that closely, going through hell together, you nearly dying, Kate’s death, me nearly dying, almost losing you, losing Jen, breaking the team up and getting it back," he stood now face to face with Tony, the two almost touching, his finger jabbing at his chest, "and through all of this you failed to see that I care for you and respect you!"

Tony resisted the urge to back off, literally. When Gibbs got like that he usually took a step back, mentally and physically, it was like a dance they have often practiced over the years.

"Gibbs, you’re doing it again."

"What?!"

"You’re crossing that line.. You said I have either to stop you or ignore you. I will never be able to ignore you, or disregard your opinion, so I will have to learn how to stop you."

Gibbs visibly deflated. He took a step back, and his lips twitched in a faint smile, "You are enjoying that, aren’t you?"

"Oh, yeah .. you have no idea.."

"I don’t really know why this made me angry."

Tony smirked a bit, "Well, anger seems like your default setting."

"You... It’s .. I assumed it was obvious to you, and that’s why you stayed .. Do you think I would rely on you like I do, try to push you as much, or insist on having you back, if I didn’t respect you?"

"Gibbs, you are not the type to "show", and you are not the type to "tell".. you can see my dilemma here!"

Gibbs had a dilemma of his own! He may not be demonstrative, but how could anyone miss the panic in his tone and behaviour when Tony went missing, kidnapped, or faced any sort of peril.. his almost manic search for answers when Tony got the plague, and the devastating grief he felt when they presumed Tony dead in that exploding car. The only problem was that his feelings were clear for all to see, except for Tony who was usually otherwise occupied. Gibbs was starting to think that Tony’s idea to have this on a DVD or something, was a pretty good idea.

He didn’t have that option, so he had to resort to words, "Tony, you know how to read me .. that was never a problem for you"

"Not when it comes to how you see me, I don’t. There were a few things that you said to my face, and one to my back," he looked pointedly at Gibbs who grimaced, "that were not flattering to say the least."

It seems they were back to square one, the metaphorical straw that broke the camel’s back.

This time, Tony didn’t try to stop his emotions from coming through, "I don’t think I ever cared for someone’s opinion like I care about yours.. I took your rules seriously, may be more seriously than you yourself do, I chose to stay when it would have been easier and better to leave.. I wouldn’t hesitate for a second to take a bullet for you or do whatever it takes to watch your back .. if you’re the one who got to see the best of me, and you think I am a narcissist, what does that say about my character, what does that say about me?"

Gibbs froze in his place for a heartbeat. Then he answered with a weary and defeated tone, "It says nothing about you, Tony. It says something about me, and it is not pretty. It says I can take your loyalty and devotion for granted, it says I can make fun of you because I know you will always let it go, it says I don’t watch your back where it counts the most for you ... so, you see, this doesn’t reflect on your character at all, it reflects on mine. I am sorry, Tony. It was an arrogant and thoughtless comment, I would take it back if I could."

Gibbs sat down heavily, and closed his eyes for a moment. When he opened them, he looked at Tony silently, as if inviting him to search his soul and find the truth for himself.

A moment later, a small smile found its way to Tony’s face.

"Apology accepted.. Boss."

"I know I need to work on a few things..."

"Yes, and I will have fun working on that "stopping you" thing!"

Gibbs looked at him with a relieved smile though the weariness was still there, "you never cease to surprise me, DiNozzo.. I wish I could let go of grudges the way you do.."

"I don’t do that always, boss, you are getting the Special DiNozzo Treatment!"

"I know, Tony, I know... and I appreciate it."

Gibbs was lost in thought for a moment while they both grabbed their stuff and headed towards the elevator. It has been a long night. He suddenly spoke again, "may be the reason I push you hard sometimes is that I recognize some qualities in you that I used to have .. I know it doesn’t look like it, but you and I have more than a few things in common.."

"Actually," Tony interrupted, "Ducky mentioned this same thing once."

"Well, it may be true then, Ducky usually knows what he is talking about," Gibbs said as the elevator doors opened to reveal the man himself. Ducky who had caught the end of that sentence, stepped out to join them, shaking his head, "I am afraid that’s not always true, Jethro."

He looked at Tony a bit sheepishly, "I had a feeling one or the two of you would still be here, but I actually was coming looking for you, Tony."

He took a depth breath and continued, "About the other day... I am really sorry, Anthony.. this wasn’t just a thoughtless thing to say because it was inconsiderate, but also thoughtless as in I didn’t give it enough thought. So, it was both wrong and insensitive,.. I find this field so fascinating, and I do get carried away .. forgive me, my dear boy.."

Tony clasped his shoulder and smiled.

Ducky looked carefully from one to the other, "I can see that you two have had a good conversation."

Gibbs clasped his other shoulder, "You can say that, yes!"

Tony chimed in: "A really interesting conversation, Ducky!."

Ducky’s eyes glittered with barely supressed curiosity, "can you tell me anything about that interesting conversation?"

Gibbs laughed "Oh, yeah, it involved camels and carrots among other things.."

"Oh my!"

Tony added, "It would have made great material for that psychological autopsy thing, Ducky!"

Soft sounds of laughter could be heard as the elevator doors closed.

\--------------------

_"There is no hope of joy except in human relations."_

_Antoine de Sainte-Exupery_

**The End.**

I wanted to explore just one possible outcome for a serious conversation between the characters. There are many other scenarios and possible outcomes, as there are other issues that need to be addressed, but I think of this conversation as merely a first step in the right direction.


End file.
